Words and Violence

This morning, after a court appearance in Olympia, I passed a newspaper box and read this headline in The Olympian: "Worker Killed at Cider Mill."

The headline should have been "Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Hunts and Kills Worker at Cider Mill."

It is a familiar but heart-breaking story, made more so by the detail that the victim's 77-year old boss tried to pull the killer away from her. The victim, Kay I. Langford, had left her reportedly-abusive boyfriend only weeks before.

Domestic violence homicides are deeply saddening, but thankfully most of us will not be touched by violent death. But most of us will encounter domestic violence, perhaps in our own relationship, or perhaps we will see our loved ones go through it.

I don't practice much divorce law or criminal defense. Still, unfortunately, I encounter domestic violence regularly.

Here's what domestic violence looks like to me:

* It is the charming, nice-looking boyfriend who insists on attending my female client's appointments (I'm just as charming steering him to the waiting area).

* It's when I call my female client, but the phone is always answered by her husband, who wants to be the conduit for all information.

* It is the woman in my conference room telling me, "I'd never let a man hit me." (Really, would you let him push you? Would you let him take your paycheck? Would you let him follow you because he thinks you are cheating? Would you let him threaten you? Would you let him call you a "c***" in front of your children?)

You see, domestic violence doesn't start with a shotgun or a fist. It starts with words. Words that frighten, words that isolate, words that blame, words that belittle. And then, over time, it gets worse.

So please, please, don't wait for a bad relationship to come to blows. There are people who would *love* to help, and there is no shame in asking. Many people have been through this themselves.

Start by getting educated. Here are links to some crucial information:

The Wheel of Power and Control

Clark County / City of Vancouver Domestic Violence Prosecution Center

Clark County YWCA SafeChoice Program

My thoughts go out to the family of Ms. Langford. Let's hope this tragedy is the last.